2:42 am listening to techno on the L train
Don’t rlly know how to decipher my feelings right now
In between somberness and anticipation
Of the new
Of the things that will change
That will change me
It’s hard to feel like a real person
When u change everyday
Is it real
If you can’t see it in front of your face
Touch it
Rely on it constantly
Referring to it like a celebrity you met on the street
Calling on myself during these times
Can I sustain my sense of self
Without reflection of others
Confirmation of my existence among others
Compared to their happiness, success
I long to move in and out of time
Not constrained to it’s linear movement
Although sometimes I feel another force compelling me
Pulling me through the cosmos and
Dictating what is wrong and what is right
How can you love yourself when you don’t know what the self is?
I wrote this while on the subway home in New York. I was studying documentary filmmaking at the New York Film Academy as part of their 6-week program. This was in the fall and I graduated in the spring. It was the first time being in a new city without my core group of friends and a well-rehearsed routine of life in over 4 years and although I seemed to slip quietly into this temporary new life, this upset of previous daily motions struck a cord deep within me. My last year of university was filled with laughs, good weed, and wholesome dinners with people that knew me so well I felt as though they were an extension of myself; every movement was effortless and words seemed to almost be unnecessary. I felt very creatively stimulated with my classes and I admired my professors greatly. I was writing and writing good—making profound assertions that cultivated a little flame of personal and intellectual confidence. I felt so good during this time…. And then it ended. I was launched into the world without any bearings and although I had my little list of plans: a month in rural France to improve my French and my 6-week film program, I could easily see the future beyond these plans and with no certainties. Worst of all, I felt I didn’t have my best friends right by side anymore to guide me through. I realize that this feeling of uncertainty after graduation is so common that it’s almost a necessary step in one’s life but there is this nagging inkling that everyone around you is doing it better—making more money, having more fulfilling experiences, building their career more, etc. I also recognize that I am extremely lucky to have the time and space to contemplate my uncertainty and even have that uncertainty that doubles as opportunity. I think it can just be confusing to see one’s place in the world especially at this time and know if they are on the right path or not. Could I being doing more or am I making the right decisions?
One thing I also bring up in this excerpt is the concept of self in relation to others. It’s something I think about often—how the perception of yourself changes when it is not being reflected back at you by others. When I was living with my two best friends, there was almost a lack of boundary between selves and I wasn’t really prompted to reflect back on myself (this is the easiest existence). When I am around others I may not be as comfortable with, there is such a strong feeling of reflection it’s as though an imaginary mirror is held up to myself and I micromanage every movement or facial expression. When I am by myself, I am more conscious of myself as a body—an entity—rather than a reflection. I acknowledge this existence is necessary in doses but harmful if constant. I spent a lot of time alone these past months, my month on a farm in rural France where I was often left to my own devices and my two months in the city going back and forth between manhattan and Brooklyn trying to draw creativity out of myself like blood from a stone. It’s strange to be a witness to your own transformation but I guess I wouldn’t have it any other way. I look forward to more transformation, just hope I still recognize myself by the end. The core should stay the same.
Till next week…hopefully;)